Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You're like the curious george of whores
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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