Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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