Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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