Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
