I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
two words: eviction party
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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