and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
