Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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