So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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