my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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