I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
