Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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