So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You know, be my cock's hype man.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
