I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
