She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
