I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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