The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
