I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
