dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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