I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
