the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
