my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
