Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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