I bet he comes in French.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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