I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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