I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
