Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
