____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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