I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
