I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Say something about gay babies.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Randomize
