Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
