Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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