i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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