i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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