You made me cry and you don't even care
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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