i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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