Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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