I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
