he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
