As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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