and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
