we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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