OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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