so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
