i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
