we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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