it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
