I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
