I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
