You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
