Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
