Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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